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killer shrike
Sat Mar 04, 2006 at 01:06:17 am EST
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The Adventures of Alcheman #29 Part Two
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The Adventures of Alcheman #29


“Seduction of the Innocent and Others”



“How is your mimosa, Jenni?” Madame HERPES asked her guest for breakfast on her stronghold’s balcony.

Jenni Wooster quaffed down the contents of her fluted glass, “Yummy. I like that there’s no pulp,” she made a sour face, “Trudi takes her mimosas pulpy.”

“Ach, such a philistine,” Greta Fokker deliberately used a term that the bleach blond ingénue wouldn’t recognize in order to keep her off balance. It was all part of the terrorist leader’s plan to get what she and her brother wanted.

From his end of the table Hansel Fokker spoke angrily into his Bluetooth, “Accept Zoxxon’s buyout of Amalgamated Excavation. Jä, we need the capital to compensate BALD for- Was?” he spoke to his sister, “You asked Horst to price Oscar tickets?!”

“Ooh, the Oscars!” Jenni clapped her hands enthusiastically, “I’ve always wanted to go to the Oscars. Trudi and I went to Diddy’s post-party last year. It was scorching!”

“I remember Vanity Fair reporting the two of had to be escorted from the gathering,” Greta observed sympathetically, “Vhy so?”

“Trudi,” Jenni said the name as if it was an epithet, “She got us tossed after asking Wilmer Vilderama if her changing into a Garanimals jumper would get him to finally pay attention to her.”

“I see,” Madame HERPES lied.

“Heheheheh: Garanimals,” Jenni Wooster reminisced as she dabbed a napkin to her mouth

Hansel gave his sister an accusatory glare. The only reason he had tolerated the interminable meal with this dim American bimbo was the potential upside to his organization. But he was quickly losing his patience. Greta noticed and acted accordingly.

“Jenni, do you ever think that your sister… holds you back?” she asked.

Young Miss Wooster was nonplussed, “From what?” she replied, her mouth full of canapé.

“From great things. Er, greater things.”

“Now that you mention it, Yes!” Jenni was impressed with her new friend’s wisdom, “She does hold me back. She holds me back lots!”

Madame HERPES continued her soft sell, “Wouldn’t you like the chance to stand on your own by vay of your own attributes, and not as part of some… novelty act?”

“Sure!”

“Ve vould like to help you with that,” Greta cooed as she paged the next part of her plan to join them on the veranda.

“Well, if you helped me, then I wouldn’t be standing on my own attributes, would I?” Jenni noted not unreasonably.

The comment threw off the leader of the Earth’s premier agency dedicated to the conquest of the aforementioned planet, “Ah…”

“You are a very beautiful voman, Miss Vooster,” Hansel spoke up.

“Oh,” Jenni blushed at the comment from the handsome Teutonic gentleman in the Armani suit, “Thank you.”

“My sister has shown me the photographs you did for your family’s store. They were simply exquisite.”

“The catalog stuff? Those are OK, but if you want to see me at my best you should check out my Maxxxim pictorial. That was scorching!”

“I’m sure. But what my sister and I are interested in –“

The terrace’s doors swung open and a squad of oddly accessorized HERPES agents marched out. They hailed their master and mistress and lined up for inspection.

Jenni eyed the newcomers curiously, “What are they wearing?”

“Our foray into the fashion industry,” Greta said with some pride, “HERPES Labelis.”

*****


“The Hero Elimination Revenge Project Extermination Squad has kidnapped my sister and Chiaki Bushido,” Alcheman told the assembled Joy Corps, “and I plan to rescue them.”

Bendist nodded, “How?”

Michael had no answer, so Bendist continued:

“How do we find them? And if we find them, how do we get to where they are? And if we get to where they are, how do we take them out?” the Malleable Malcontent gestured to his erstwhile teammates, “I hate to rain on your cake, Michael, but this isn’t us ambushing the Fearsome Four and carting them off to jail. We’re looking for a group of terrorists that have been able to avoid capture for years from people who know what they’re doing. And you want to play Lone Ranger and track them down?”

“His mask is sort of like the Lone Ranger’s,” Holotheredia Lad offered.

“I’m being serious here, Sponge Bob. Mike, this is your sister that got grabbed. If we screw up, well, the consequences won’t be good. I know you want to help her, but this might be a time to let the pros take over.”

Honoria Sesselby glared at the lanky man with the shaved head, “You might not have faith in your abilities, Bendist. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. However, your feelings of inadequacy should not color your impression of what Michael, and this team, can accomplish.”

The shapeshifter jerked a thumb in the direction of the Amazonian blonde, ‘Who invited Yoko?”

“Please, if we are going to have a debate, let it be civil,” Brick House entreated.

Smooth Operator said his piece, “Look, I gotta admit, Bendist may have a point. The Joy Corps always seemed more like a symbol, you know? A way of making a statement against 1066. But if we’re going to go up against real terrorists, with someone’s relative’s life at stake… well, I don’t know if I’m up for that.”

“Way to bring down a room, Smoothy,” Whitney Spheris drawled contemptuously, “I’m up for kicking some HERPES butt, Mike. I’m up for anything.”

“Surprise, surprise,” Bendist smirked.

“You know, who invited you here? Aren’t you supposed to be tracking down a way to cure Varmint?” the Pop Nebula shot back.

“I’m the designated voice of reason for tonight’s pow wow.”

“Voice of doom, more like it! You should put on a dress and start calling yourself Cassandra!” Holotheredia Lad challenged the often absent member of his team.

“Wow, a mythological dig! I bet your Dungeons and Dragons buddies would be real impressed!”

“Enough, please,” Michael said softly, “Enough.”

After the quarreling died down Alcheman continued, “I appreciate your honesty, Bendist. ‘Operator. In fact I share some of your doubts. This mission is dangerous, and the stakes are personal. I would understand if you feel I’m letting circumstances cloud my judgment.

“However,” he said before Honoria could object, “I am going to help my sister. Alone, if necessary. But any help from any quarter would be appreciated.”

There was a loud, horrific cough coming from the top of the stairs. The group looked up to see the pale and emaciated figure of Cole King watching them.

“If you all don’t help that boy,” Varmint wheezed, “You are… the biggest bunch…. of wimps and cowards that ever called themselves superheroes.”

“I never said I was a superhero,” Bendist quipped darkly, but he could see the ultimate verdict would be, “All right, I’m in. Joy Corps Line Up, or whatever.”

Alcheman smiled weakly, “Funny that you should put it like that….”

*****


The cell phone of the world’s most annoying archer beeped the James Bond theme, “Hello, you’ve reached Trickshot the Marksman, idol of millions. Talk to me.”

“Yeah. This, this is Trudi. Wooster.”

Carl Bastion sat up in his lounger and put down his bowl of popcorn, “Heya.”

“Hey. Uh, Jenni gave me your number.”

“Did she now? And based on her recommendation you called to set up an appointment with the Love Doctor himself?”

Trudi suppressed her gag reflex, “Please, I’m wigged out enough without having to consider the thought of-” she shuddered, “You know about Jenni being kidnapped from prison, right?”

“Uh, what?”

“Dear Lord, I can see how my sister fell for you. Brilliant minds, etcetera,” Trudi got to the point, “Jenni’s been kidnapped and she needs your help. Actually, the people that want to help her need your help. The thing is, they’re outlaws who would wind up in jail themselves if they go to the police. So would you be interested in having a team up with a group of wanted superheroes to save my sister from terrorists who named themselves after a venereal disease?”

The wiry young man with the blonde goatee flicked a corn kernel to shut off his television, “Babe that kind of caper is right in B’rer Trickshot’s wheelhouse.”


Next: Jenni Wooster offers a fashion critique. Madame HERPES takes to Plan B. The Brass Bushi explains his motives. And Trickshot gets his first look at the Joy Corps. Out soon.






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